Why am I bothered when you're around,
Why am I bothered when you're not,
There are reasons why,
But you manage to drown them all.
You breeze in like a Zephyr,
There you are all in a cursory glance,
It's hardly a moment that you stay,
Then you go but never leave and I'm left in a quandary.
Never really awake, never really asleep.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The extra mile
I remember something important my teacher said when i was in middle school(his name was Pope). He told us to give a 110 percent in whatever we do. Aim higher than what you want to achieve. Run 12k if you want to get exceptional at 10k. That kind of consistency is tough to maintain for whatever you do. But if you can achieve that then you can be a master.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Thoughts on the mind
Most of the stuff below might seem quite evident but if we really take note, things can improve a lot. I have always believed in nurture over nature.
It is not directly possible to access our unconscious minds. There can be a mismatch between the conscious and unconscious mind. You might consciously not like someone but unconsciously you might have feelings. You tend to repress these feelings because of some fears, like straying away from certain goals.
You might consciously want to be someone but inside you might be different. TO change yourself inside, you need to start with the outside.
Change your behavior.
If you want to do good, start doing good. Appear, to be.
We acquire virtues by first having them put them into action... we become just by the practice of just actions, self controlled by exercising self control, and courageous by performing acts of courage. Aristotle.
It is not directly possible to access our unconscious minds. There can be a mismatch between the conscious and unconscious mind. You might consciously not like someone but unconsciously you might have feelings. You tend to repress these feelings because of some fears, like straying away from certain goals.
You might consciously want to be someone but inside you might be different. TO change yourself inside, you need to start with the outside.
Change your behavior.
If you want to do good, start doing good. Appear, to be.
We acquire virtues by first having them put them into action... we become just by the practice of just actions, self controlled by exercising self control, and courageous by performing acts of courage. Aristotle.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Similarity & Difference
Today I realized that it is way tougher to deal with the self of others rather than your self.People go to great lengths to view the world in a way that facilitates their well being. They just do not want to let go of their rigidity. No way of convincing them.It's natural to do so. Is it ? If you have an aim, you make efforts to reach it. It's a safe path with no deviations. You have your own trusted circle. Your own group. Others are seen as different.
I guess that is the prime causation of pain. Pain for the other, a lack of solace for you. When you look at the other, perceive him as someone similar to you. Try. He definitely won't be the same! But even if you manage to find an iota of your reflection in him, that will foster an association. Don't justify the differences by rationalizing.A dose of self deception can be a good but it is also in your interest to be accurate to yourself.
Easier said than done though. From childhood itself, we are told who we are as a group and this influences our individuality. Along the way without our knowing even why, a demarcation develops between us and the other. We are told to follow certain rules to keep the other from crossing that demarcation. Not many have the time nor the effort to think of why they are following certain standards.
Basically, what i want to say is to loosen your rigidity,give some slack to the other guy. You don;t even know how similar he is to you. And you will never know unless you set out thinking that he is different from you.
I guess that is the prime causation of pain. Pain for the other, a lack of solace for you. When you look at the other, perceive him as someone similar to you. Try. He definitely won't be the same! But even if you manage to find an iota of your reflection in him, that will foster an association. Don't justify the differences by rationalizing.A dose of self deception can be a good but it is also in your interest to be accurate to yourself.
Easier said than done though. From childhood itself, we are told who we are as a group and this influences our individuality. Along the way without our knowing even why, a demarcation develops between us and the other. We are told to follow certain rules to keep the other from crossing that demarcation. Not many have the time nor the effort to think of why they are following certain standards.
Basically, what i want to say is to loosen your rigidity,give some slack to the other guy. You don;t even know how similar he is to you. And you will never know unless you set out thinking that he is different from you.
Monday, November 17, 2008
About Preventing and Curing
Prevention is better than cure. Definitely.
Life allows you to make mistakes. At times, you want to make these mistakes too. And you tend to blame it on human nature.Nature yes, but nurture more.
For the last 6-8 months I've been letting go of life. And it's not that I was not aware of this fact. In trying to search for an external impetus, I missed myself. Ofcourse, there is nothing wrong is looking for something outside of yourself. I have brushed with several people who sort of remind you to 'get on track' and all the other hopeful tales. These people need not even speak, they just have to be there to inspire. Unfortunately, like I said, these were just brushes. The only link which I have been able to maintain is with Bhai. I am sure that this is not so. If I give more effort, I'm sure I'll be able to find others like Bhai. Some I guess might already be beside me. People miss you, and you miss people; which is completely unfortunate as apart from you, the world loses out.
There is no need to feel bad.It is just a process. You must enjoy the way it unfolds. Am I speaking to myself ? Or am I speaking to you ? Anyway,remember, not to fool yourself. As long as you are aware of what is happening and why, it is ok. The problem comes even after awareness, you do not try to make amends. You can't afford to get apathetic with your own life. I will have to fight my own apathy.
Self derision is a waste. It solves nothing. So do not blame unnecessarily. If you do something, anything, just add an essence of love to it. Things aren't so bad you know. For me, I am finding out that reality way better than what I had imagined it in my head. I'm glad I am out of this imagined land.
Prevention is better than cure. The more you allow life to go haywire, the more it will. If you fail, approach People. If you are lucky, one Person is all you might need to help you spring back.
Life allows you to make mistakes. At times, you want to make these mistakes too. And you tend to blame it on human nature.Nature yes, but nurture more.
For the last 6-8 months I've been letting go of life. And it's not that I was not aware of this fact. In trying to search for an external impetus, I missed myself. Ofcourse, there is nothing wrong is looking for something outside of yourself. I have brushed with several people who sort of remind you to 'get on track' and all the other hopeful tales. These people need not even speak, they just have to be there to inspire. Unfortunately, like I said, these were just brushes. The only link which I have been able to maintain is with Bhai. I am sure that this is not so. If I give more effort, I'm sure I'll be able to find others like Bhai. Some I guess might already be beside me. People miss you, and you miss people; which is completely unfortunate as apart from you, the world loses out.
There is no need to feel bad.It is just a process. You must enjoy the way it unfolds. Am I speaking to myself ? Or am I speaking to you ? Anyway,remember, not to fool yourself. As long as you are aware of what is happening and why, it is ok. The problem comes even after awareness, you do not try to make amends. You can't afford to get apathetic with your own life. I will have to fight my own apathy.
Self derision is a waste. It solves nothing. So do not blame unnecessarily. If you do something, anything, just add an essence of love to it. Things aren't so bad you know. For me, I am finding out that reality way better than what I had imagined it in my head. I'm glad I am out of this imagined land.
Prevention is better than cure. The more you allow life to go haywire, the more it will. If you fail, approach People. If you are lucky, one Person is all you might need to help you spring back.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Horizon
Oh yes, I think I have finally made up my mind. God is an illusion. Not the spiritual God, but the religious one. Well, so that's done.
There is one more thought which I have been pondered over for a long time. It is the notion of competition. The implicit need to do better than the rest. The frictions which arise due to this need, between me and others, and within myself too. Every moment of life spent, one is trying to bridge the gap. It is the gap between me and others. Too much time is spent in assessing how different we are from the rest. If a fraction of this time were to be spent in seeing how similar we are to each other, then there would simply be more happiness around us. Who decides if there is a gap between me and you.
Are you better looking than me? Are you more studioues than me? Success, Power, Religion, Poverty ... Distinctions plague our day to day living. Strangers and friends, friends and foes, trust and deceit ... These dipoles will not cease to exist, not only in our minds but also in the actions we perform, unless we stop competing. We are all chiselling off each other (heard this somewhere)
Of course, I cannot stop with just accepting my present conditions. Need to do what the heart of hearts says. A mind set needs to be changed. Choice needs to be made.
Once that is done, everything else ensues.
There is one more thought which I have been pondered over for a long time. It is the notion of competition. The implicit need to do better than the rest. The frictions which arise due to this need, between me and others, and within myself too. Every moment of life spent, one is trying to bridge the gap. It is the gap between me and others. Too much time is spent in assessing how different we are from the rest. If a fraction of this time were to be spent in seeing how similar we are to each other, then there would simply be more happiness around us. Who decides if there is a gap between me and you.
Are you better looking than me? Are you more studioues than me? Success, Power, Religion, Poverty ... Distinctions plague our day to day living. Strangers and friends, friends and foes, trust and deceit ... These dipoles will not cease to exist, not only in our minds but also in the actions we perform, unless we stop competing. We are all chiselling off each other (heard this somewhere)
Of course, I cannot stop with just accepting my present conditions. Need to do what the heart of hearts says. A mind set needs to be changed. Choice needs to be made.
Once that is done, everything else ensues.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
She and Mastery
Who could she be, who would have the patience to understand me,
She would notice me through this haze,
Do I search for her ? Or, does she ?
The pain relieved if ever we happen to meet.
It is for her to see,
That the wind does not whisper when I am beside her,
New found vigour from where I do not know,
Lets me wish for a future and the strength to make it come true.
Oh, I have pondered too much,
A labyrinth I have created and have lost myself in,
Not completely though I say, For the key to the door I have unlocked,
Is with me and I must lock it back again.
Hope and despair undulate irrationally,
In both our stories am I able to realise the follies,
Foolish Consistency I cannot dwell in anymore,
Life has been overlooked in all this monotony.
It's a place called the Heart of hearts,
Where you cannot reason nor can you cheat,
Look there if you want to truly know what you want to achieve,
For me it is Mastery that I see.
In order to catch a glimpse of it,
I must gather All of Me,
And only when that is done,
I must look forward to thee.
There is no other way but to Start anyhow,
Never have I intrigued myself this way,
But just too compelling is the thought of change,
To leave one stranded gaping through a single window pane.
Clarity dawns, The moment ago seems crazy,
She can hop in along the way,
To guide us through the final turns,
On this journey towards Mastery.
She would notice me through this haze,
Do I search for her ? Or, does she ?
The pain relieved if ever we happen to meet.
It is for her to see,
That the wind does not whisper when I am beside her,
New found vigour from where I do not know,
Lets me wish for a future and the strength to make it come true.
Oh, I have pondered too much,
A labyrinth I have created and have lost myself in,
Not completely though I say, For the key to the door I have unlocked,
Is with me and I must lock it back again.
Hope and despair undulate irrationally,
In both our stories am I able to realise the follies,
Foolish Consistency I cannot dwell in anymore,
Life has been overlooked in all this monotony.
It's a place called the Heart of hearts,
Where you cannot reason nor can you cheat,
Look there if you want to truly know what you want to achieve,
For me it is Mastery that I see.
In order to catch a glimpse of it,
I must gather All of Me,
And only when that is done,
I must look forward to thee.
There is no other way but to Start anyhow,
Never have I intrigued myself this way,
But just too compelling is the thought of change,
To leave one stranded gaping through a single window pane.
Clarity dawns, The moment ago seems crazy,
She can hop in along the way,
To guide us through the final turns,
On this journey towards Mastery.
Failure
They say that one has not experienced life if they have not experienced failure. But how many times one must fail ? That is a irrelevant and stupid question to ask. How many times one must ? It's obvious that you will fail until you rise above your follies. Even now, while I write I can feel failure surround me. It's a very pathetic feeling. Knowing that it is not what you want to do, but are compelled to do so just because you have been doing so for some time. The inability to break free from a vicious cycle.
If I am able to pull myself out, I survive, or else I will have to live with the feeling of not being able to live like a man. The best thing to do now is to just stop thinking ... and act ... there is enough to do ... best of luck to me ...
If I am able to pull myself out, I survive, or else I will have to live with the feeling of not being able to live like a man. The best thing to do now is to just stop thinking ... and act ... there is enough to do ... best of luck to me ...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
The need for sacrifice
Sacrifice doesn't mean anything if one does it for himself.
I've always had some issues with sacrificing for others. At times even simple sacrifices... I've always asked myself why ?
Why do I have to think twice or thrice while deciding to help others? I think the reason can be traced to my middle school days, standard 6,7,8. I grew up in an environment which encouraged competition. The most obvious form of competition in school was studies. In class 7, ' Oh he got 99 I got 97. Oh papa, I forgot the formula of density. I wrote volume/mass'. I'm not saying this doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter to that great an extent. It's just in mind that I have had a tendency to think "If I help someone too much, then he benefits and I lose". I do help, yes, I do help, but if I could clear all these hindrances in mind, I could be of more help to others, and integrate more. I am consciously working on improving these weak points I have in my personality.
Sacrifice in academics is not all. I must sacrifice my time for others. It might be tough for you (as a reader to understand) but the truth is I tend to stick to myself. I try being self sufficient. My friends tell me that if I dont spend time with others, then how are you going to get a girlfriend, haha. But I feel good, as I have already started to change and sacrifice for others. At times, I lose track of what I'm writing about.
The whole funda is this(I got most of it from a book I'm currently reading,I'm not referring to myslef when I write this,so don't judge me ). Human society was built by people sharing with others and receiving back also. You don't lose what you give. You get it back from others in another form, and there is solace to be got from that. Yes, in general we do help others who we know, who are more likely to return the favour, and not help random people on the road. Of course, we dont think of receiving while people(and neither do I). As for me, for my close friends, everything is unconditional.
Seek your problems, dont hide from them ?
I guess I'm thinking too much now.
Off to dinner... cya
I've always had some issues with sacrificing for others. At times even simple sacrifices... I've always asked myself why ?
Why do I have to think twice or thrice while deciding to help others? I think the reason can be traced to my middle school days, standard 6,7,8. I grew up in an environment which encouraged competition. The most obvious form of competition in school was studies. In class 7, ' Oh he got 99 I got 97. Oh papa, I forgot the formula of density. I wrote volume/mass'. I'm not saying this doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter to that great an extent. It's just in mind that I have had a tendency to think "If I help someone too much, then he benefits and I lose". I do help, yes, I do help, but if I could clear all these hindrances in mind, I could be of more help to others, and integrate more. I am consciously working on improving these weak points I have in my personality.
Sacrifice in academics is not all. I must sacrifice my time for others. It might be tough for you (as a reader to understand) but the truth is I tend to stick to myself. I try being self sufficient. My friends tell me that if I dont spend time with others, then how are you going to get a girlfriend, haha. But I feel good, as I have already started to change and sacrifice for others. At times, I lose track of what I'm writing about.
The whole funda is this(I got most of it from a book I'm currently reading,I'm not referring to myslef when I write this,so don't judge me ). Human society was built by people sharing with others and receiving back also. You don't lose what you give. You get it back from others in another form, and there is solace to be got from that. Yes, in general we do help others who we know, who are more likely to return the favour, and not help random people on the road. Of course, we dont think of receiving while people(and neither do I). As for me, for my close friends, everything is unconditional.
Seek your problems, dont hide from them ?
I guess I'm thinking too much now.
Off to dinner... cya
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Today
After sleeping for 13 hrs straight, I ought to have been refreshed in the morning. I can never concentrate on one thing. There are always some background process(es) working in my head while I do something. So as I started on my Software Engineering lecture notes( a module which I'm just not satisfied with btw) the after effect of the previous day's events were still fresh in my head.
3rd yr in college, I thought that it would be my best year. It certainly didn't start on a good note. One of my greatest flaws is that I am never satisfied with thing. 'Never' is too harsh. I think it just takes me a long time to understand that what I had done, was the best I could have done given the circumstances of course. But this again conflicts with my ingrained belief that 'man is capable of doing great things'. Mind you, great may not apply literally. Managing to lead a simple life itself is a great task in itself. Why is it that at times, after achieving something we tend to think that we could have done better? Why couldn't we have done better in the first place? Was it the circumstances which prevented us from doing so ? You weren't able to perform well because you had a cold ?
We tend to have a reason to justify all our follies. I have always hoped that man would have infinite will. Unfortunately we dont. That's why we prioritize and specialize. But nonetheless, I have always had an irrational belief in the power of infinite and the dream to achieve it. I guess that is the only way man will know his potential.
Anyways, I went to have lunch after managing to read a lecture. I slept immediately after that. Sleeping, haha ...I sleep when I'm 1) tired 2) pensive. Today afternoon I slept due to the latter. I woke up with vigour and read up on signal processing.
Went for workout in the evening . Had different one today. Did a sprint workout, sprint, break, sprint, break...Now my legs are killing me,this on top of a leg workout 2 days before. Exercise is heavenly I would say. I am never as clear minded and serene after a workout. I wish(again) I had realised it in school. I had a bad conception back then that 'Man was made to work'. Post industrialised world, lots of leisure time. This semester I've realised that I can squeeze more work in, if I want.
The problem is that, I need to find that passion. That purpose. I know I will. Not that it's about time, but I am mentally prepared to handle that purpose. Till then I would just like to enjoy the remaining time in college and spend time with friends.
Dont underestimate the power of simplicity.
3rd yr in college, I thought that it would be my best year. It certainly didn't start on a good note. One of my greatest flaws is that I am never satisfied with thing. 'Never' is too harsh. I think it just takes me a long time to understand that what I had done, was the best I could have done given the circumstances of course. But this again conflicts with my ingrained belief that 'man is capable of doing great things'. Mind you, great may not apply literally. Managing to lead a simple life itself is a great task in itself. Why is it that at times, after achieving something we tend to think that we could have done better? Why couldn't we have done better in the first place? Was it the circumstances which prevented us from doing so ? You weren't able to perform well because you had a cold ?
We tend to have a reason to justify all our follies. I have always hoped that man would have infinite will. Unfortunately we dont. That's why we prioritize and specialize. But nonetheless, I have always had an irrational belief in the power of infinite and the dream to achieve it. I guess that is the only way man will know his potential.
Anyways, I went to have lunch after managing to read a lecture. I slept immediately after that. Sleeping, haha ...I sleep when I'm 1) tired 2) pensive. Today afternoon I slept due to the latter. I woke up with vigour and read up on signal processing.
Went for workout in the evening . Had different one today. Did a sprint workout, sprint, break, sprint, break...Now my legs are killing me,this on top of a leg workout 2 days before. Exercise is heavenly I would say. I am never as clear minded and serene after a workout. I wish(again) I had realised it in school. I had a bad conception back then that 'Man was made to work'. Post industrialised world, lots of leisure time. This semester I've realised that I can squeeze more work in, if I want.
The problem is that, I need to find that passion. That purpose. I know I will. Not that it's about time, but I am mentally prepared to handle that purpose. Till then I would just like to enjoy the remaining time in college and spend time with friends.
Dont underestimate the power of simplicity.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
First Impressions - Taipei City(National Sci&Tech Uni of Taiwan)
The good part about Taipei is that people to a large extent use only Chinese. Which is good for me as it makes me learn more of it and I want to. Food is definitely the highlight here. It's cheap(same price as NUS), has variety, and is delicious. I'm glad that I have managed to adjust my tastes to Chinese food in a year in Singapore. But in general I must say the stalls here are more professional than the ones in NUS.
It's quite cold here,duh it's winter, something which I have not experienced for a long time after staying in Singapore where it rains everyday at this time, and in Chennai where well, it's always hot.Recycling is a very important practise here. It doesn't take much effort if done systematically and it is the smart thing to do. I can't not help but compare Taipei to Singapore. From the way I see it both of them are equally advanced. Somehow Singapore seems to shine a bit more but Taipei is more human.
3 nights, 2 ye shi (night markets) visited and a horror movie(it's impossible to finish the popcorns they give at the theatre). Picked the shops where I would like to buy gifts for my friends and ofcourse my parents. Souvik's gift is decided and I'm sure he'll love it.Hopefully I'll have a lot of cash left to buy more gifts :) Haven't really bought too many gifts for people in my life.I bought something for her, a little pooh sticker. Maybe she'll like it. I hate that word but that sticker did look 'cute'.
People in the lab are quite friendly. I'm quite lucky as that might not always be the case. They're eager to learn some English from me and I'm more than eager to improve my Chinese vocab from them. Reminds me of my room mate from China in NUS and he had said the same thing to me about learning English.
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