Who could she be, who would have the patience to understand me,
She would notice me through this haze,
Do I search for her ? Or, does she ?
The pain relieved if ever we happen to meet.
It is for her to see,
That the wind does not whisper when I am beside her,
New found vigour from where I do not know,
Lets me wish for a future and the strength to make it come true.
Oh, I have pondered too much,
A labyrinth I have created and have lost myself in,
Not completely though I say, For the key to the door I have unlocked,
Is with me and I must lock it back again.
Hope and despair undulate irrationally,
In both our stories am I able to realise the follies,
Foolish Consistency I cannot dwell in anymore,
Life has been overlooked in all this monotony.
It's a place called the Heart of hearts,
Where you cannot reason nor can you cheat,
Look there if you want to truly know what you want to achieve,
For me it is Mastery that I see.
In order to catch a glimpse of it,
I must gather All of Me,
And only when that is done,
I must look forward to thee.
There is no other way but to Start anyhow,
Never have I intrigued myself this way,
But just too compelling is the thought of change,
To leave one stranded gaping through a single window pane.
Clarity dawns, The moment ago seems crazy,
She can hop in along the way,
To guide us through the final turns,
On this journey towards Mastery.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Failure
They say that one has not experienced life if they have not experienced failure. But how many times one must fail ? That is a irrelevant and stupid question to ask. How many times one must ? It's obvious that you will fail until you rise above your follies. Even now, while I write I can feel failure surround me. It's a very pathetic feeling. Knowing that it is not what you want to do, but are compelled to do so just because you have been doing so for some time. The inability to break free from a vicious cycle.
If I am able to pull myself out, I survive, or else I will have to live with the feeling of not being able to live like a man. The best thing to do now is to just stop thinking ... and act ... there is enough to do ... best of luck to me ...
If I am able to pull myself out, I survive, or else I will have to live with the feeling of not being able to live like a man. The best thing to do now is to just stop thinking ... and act ... there is enough to do ... best of luck to me ...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
The need for sacrifice
Sacrifice doesn't mean anything if one does it for himself.
I've always had some issues with sacrificing for others. At times even simple sacrifices... I've always asked myself why ?
Why do I have to think twice or thrice while deciding to help others? I think the reason can be traced to my middle school days, standard 6,7,8. I grew up in an environment which encouraged competition. The most obvious form of competition in school was studies. In class 7, ' Oh he got 99 I got 97. Oh papa, I forgot the formula of density. I wrote volume/mass'. I'm not saying this doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter to that great an extent. It's just in mind that I have had a tendency to think "If I help someone too much, then he benefits and I lose". I do help, yes, I do help, but if I could clear all these hindrances in mind, I could be of more help to others, and integrate more. I am consciously working on improving these weak points I have in my personality.
Sacrifice in academics is not all. I must sacrifice my time for others. It might be tough for you (as a reader to understand) but the truth is I tend to stick to myself. I try being self sufficient. My friends tell me that if I dont spend time with others, then how are you going to get a girlfriend, haha. But I feel good, as I have already started to change and sacrifice for others. At times, I lose track of what I'm writing about.
The whole funda is this(I got most of it from a book I'm currently reading,I'm not referring to myslef when I write this,so don't judge me ). Human society was built by people sharing with others and receiving back also. You don't lose what you give. You get it back from others in another form, and there is solace to be got from that. Yes, in general we do help others who we know, who are more likely to return the favour, and not help random people on the road. Of course, we dont think of receiving while people(and neither do I). As for me, for my close friends, everything is unconditional.
Seek your problems, dont hide from them ?
I guess I'm thinking too much now.
Off to dinner... cya
I've always had some issues with sacrificing for others. At times even simple sacrifices... I've always asked myself why ?
Why do I have to think twice or thrice while deciding to help others? I think the reason can be traced to my middle school days, standard 6,7,8. I grew up in an environment which encouraged competition. The most obvious form of competition in school was studies. In class 7, ' Oh he got 99 I got 97. Oh papa, I forgot the formula of density. I wrote volume/mass'. I'm not saying this doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter to that great an extent. It's just in mind that I have had a tendency to think "If I help someone too much, then he benefits and I lose". I do help, yes, I do help, but if I could clear all these hindrances in mind, I could be of more help to others, and integrate more. I am consciously working on improving these weak points I have in my personality.
Sacrifice in academics is not all. I must sacrifice my time for others. It might be tough for you (as a reader to understand) but the truth is I tend to stick to myself. I try being self sufficient. My friends tell me that if I dont spend time with others, then how are you going to get a girlfriend, haha. But I feel good, as I have already started to change and sacrifice for others. At times, I lose track of what I'm writing about.
The whole funda is this(I got most of it from a book I'm currently reading,I'm not referring to myslef when I write this,so don't judge me ). Human society was built by people sharing with others and receiving back also. You don't lose what you give. You get it back from others in another form, and there is solace to be got from that. Yes, in general we do help others who we know, who are more likely to return the favour, and not help random people on the road. Of course, we dont think of receiving while people(and neither do I). As for me, for my close friends, everything is unconditional.
Seek your problems, dont hide from them ?
I guess I'm thinking too much now.
Off to dinner... cya
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Today
After sleeping for 13 hrs straight, I ought to have been refreshed in the morning. I can never concentrate on one thing. There are always some background process(es) working in my head while I do something. So as I started on my Software Engineering lecture notes( a module which I'm just not satisfied with btw) the after effect of the previous day's events were still fresh in my head.
3rd yr in college, I thought that it would be my best year. It certainly didn't start on a good note. One of my greatest flaws is that I am never satisfied with thing. 'Never' is too harsh. I think it just takes me a long time to understand that what I had done, was the best I could have done given the circumstances of course. But this again conflicts with my ingrained belief that 'man is capable of doing great things'. Mind you, great may not apply literally. Managing to lead a simple life itself is a great task in itself. Why is it that at times, after achieving something we tend to think that we could have done better? Why couldn't we have done better in the first place? Was it the circumstances which prevented us from doing so ? You weren't able to perform well because you had a cold ?
We tend to have a reason to justify all our follies. I have always hoped that man would have infinite will. Unfortunately we dont. That's why we prioritize and specialize. But nonetheless, I have always had an irrational belief in the power of infinite and the dream to achieve it. I guess that is the only way man will know his potential.
Anyways, I went to have lunch after managing to read a lecture. I slept immediately after that. Sleeping, haha ...I sleep when I'm 1) tired 2) pensive. Today afternoon I slept due to the latter. I woke up with vigour and read up on signal processing.
Went for workout in the evening . Had different one today. Did a sprint workout, sprint, break, sprint, break...Now my legs are killing me,this on top of a leg workout 2 days before. Exercise is heavenly I would say. I am never as clear minded and serene after a workout. I wish(again) I had realised it in school. I had a bad conception back then that 'Man was made to work'. Post industrialised world, lots of leisure time. This semester I've realised that I can squeeze more work in, if I want.
The problem is that, I need to find that passion. That purpose. I know I will. Not that it's about time, but I am mentally prepared to handle that purpose. Till then I would just like to enjoy the remaining time in college and spend time with friends.
Dont underestimate the power of simplicity.
3rd yr in college, I thought that it would be my best year. It certainly didn't start on a good note. One of my greatest flaws is that I am never satisfied with thing. 'Never' is too harsh. I think it just takes me a long time to understand that what I had done, was the best I could have done given the circumstances of course. But this again conflicts with my ingrained belief that 'man is capable of doing great things'. Mind you, great may not apply literally. Managing to lead a simple life itself is a great task in itself. Why is it that at times, after achieving something we tend to think that we could have done better? Why couldn't we have done better in the first place? Was it the circumstances which prevented us from doing so ? You weren't able to perform well because you had a cold ?
We tend to have a reason to justify all our follies. I have always hoped that man would have infinite will. Unfortunately we dont. That's why we prioritize and specialize. But nonetheless, I have always had an irrational belief in the power of infinite and the dream to achieve it. I guess that is the only way man will know his potential.
Anyways, I went to have lunch after managing to read a lecture. I slept immediately after that. Sleeping, haha ...I sleep when I'm 1) tired 2) pensive. Today afternoon I slept due to the latter. I woke up with vigour and read up on signal processing.
Went for workout in the evening . Had different one today. Did a sprint workout, sprint, break, sprint, break...Now my legs are killing me,this on top of a leg workout 2 days before. Exercise is heavenly I would say. I am never as clear minded and serene after a workout. I wish(again) I had realised it in school. I had a bad conception back then that 'Man was made to work'. Post industrialised world, lots of leisure time. This semester I've realised that I can squeeze more work in, if I want.
The problem is that, I need to find that passion. That purpose. I know I will. Not that it's about time, but I am mentally prepared to handle that purpose. Till then I would just like to enjoy the remaining time in college and spend time with friends.
Dont underestimate the power of simplicity.
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